Tag Archives: Max

Announcing……

Kindle Cover……Max’s new book!  Okay, okay, it’s been a while in the making.  A lifetime actually.  The lifetime of one spunky six year old.  You have laughed along with the blog, now come re-live your favorites and a lot more!

Mushrooms In My Head, Dead Lions In The Yard  is the story of Max and all the hilarity and poignancy that comes with her.  Available through the Amazon Kindle Store for your KINDLE, KINDLE FIRE, and through the free downloadable Kindle app for your iPAD/POD/PHONE and DROID devices.  Also, coming soon to the NOOK and NOOK COLOR.

Get yours here for only $3.99!!!

We all know Max is hilarious.  Let’s make her a best-seller too!  Enjoy!

 

 

Behind Door #1

Kindergarten and Max have not played well together so far.  Both have minds of their own and neither are willing to budge.  For some reason Max cannot understand, things must be done on Mrs. Carter’s terms, not hers.  Yet, Max cannot help but put her foot down about some things.

In the middle of class one morning, Max walked up to Mrs. Carter, pointed at the back door that leads outside and informed her, “I am going out that door.”

To which Mrs Carter informed Max, “No, you are not going out that door.  It’s not safe.”

The battle of wits had begun.  “Yes, I am going out that door because you want me to go out that door,” Max contested pointing squarely in the direction she fully intended to go.

Mrs. Carter parried, “I do not want you to go out that door.  Why on earth would I want you to do that?”

Max went for the win.  “You want me to because I have to poot and you do not want to smell it!”

Mrs. Carter was briefly knocked for a loop and struggled for composure, but quickly recovered long enough to point in the direction of the class restroom and ended the verbal joust with: “If that’s the case, you may go through that door!”

Max-Or-Treat

You never know with Max.  Statement of the century, I know.  When Daddy and I took her to Walmart to get some new clothes and a toy we should have known it was not going to be an ordinary trip.

After picking up some motor oil, we headed to the toy section.  We passed pretty princess dress up clothes.  No.  We passed a lovely toy pony.  A big ‘maybe’ on the horsey.  Toy Story green alien?  Hmmmm.

And then, there it was.  The Ironman aisle.  Mecca.  She saw it: The Holy Grail.  The Ironman mask.  Instantly, she had it on her face and started breathing like Darth Vader.  Sold.

Daddy showed her the Ironman that talked.  Pretty cool.  Light up chest, blasters, catch phrases.  Almost as good as the plastic mask with eye holes.  Almost.

“Now I want the body parts,” she announces.  Daddy looked and there was one lame version of the suit make entirely out of some stretchy and probably really itchy material.

“Halloween aisle?” I suggest helpfully.  Daddy shrugs and nods.

So, we go over and see what we can find.  Ironman is big this year.  The costumes are picked over and our choice is limited to a boys’ 10-12 Husky costume.  Bummer.  It would have been cool since this one was quilt stitched to look like muscles.  Oh well, moving on.  There’s always Target.

As we turned the corner with Max still disappointed about the body part suit, she had another religious experience.  Hanging there was a plastic Halloween skeleton.  It was almost as big as Max.

Skeleton!” she shrieked.  “Can I have that, Daddy?”

And off we went to the kids clothes department with Max wearing her Ironman mask, her skeleton now named Steve seated next to her in the cart, and her pink balloon on her wrist from her ‘best friend’ waitress at Shoney’s bobbing happily along above her.

May I Introduce….

It was the first week of Pre-K for Bethany.  Or Max.  Or Bethany.  Who really knows?

After a few days of getting to know the new school and the before and after care teachers, Bethany woke up as Max.  It was an all out Max morning.  She woke up screaming mad.  After a WWE caliber wrestling match to get her into clothes and out the door, she decided that it was a good idea to go to school, but on her terms.

When we arrived to the before and after care room, Max went straight to getting on her batting helmet and sitting at the toy baby grand.  Her teacher, who quickly got her number, just shrugged and said that’s what she does every day from the minute she gets there til time for school.

“Brace yourself,” I tell her.  “You’re about to meet Max.”

After a brief explanation, I left, wishing them well.

The next day, I was greeted by the same teacher who told me that apparently, the Pre-K teachers were unfamiliar with Max, or, at least they were.  She told me the following tale:

“Miss Kris came to pick up Bethany for school yesterday and I told her that she was Max today.  Kris was confused and I tried to explain.  She called for Bethany to come on.  ‘Bethany.’  Nothing.  ‘Bethany, time to go.’  Nothing.  ‘Say Max.  Trust me,’ I told her.  So, she says, ‘Max,’ and Bethany’s little head whips around and she hops up ready to go to class.  I told her, ‘See?  Max is here today.  Just wait and see.”

She went on, “Later I saw Bethany out in the hallway being ‘talked to’ by her teacher.  I told her, ‘I tried to warn you it was a Max day.'”

I get these little smiley faces on her daily reports.  Somehow, I don’t think they are all that accurate since no mention was made of Max’s hallway talk.

Deal Dodger

Max was going to spend the morning at the drop in daycare she lovingly refers to as “the play place.”  It was my first day back to work as a teaching assistant and she had not started pre-K yet, so the drop in was my best option.

Max loves the play place.  It’s hours of unstructured kid heaven.  We were a little worried about how Max would act for those few days because she had not been around kids in a while.  We knew she would be excited and probably very wound up as far as her SPD is concerned.

Baby was dropping Max off and on the way she tried talking to Max about how she would behave at the play place.

Baby asked her, “Bethany, are you going to be a sweet girl?  The ladies at the play place like sweet big girl helpers.”

“Are those your keys?” asked Max.

“Yes,” Baby answered.  “Are you going to be a sweet girl today?”

“Those keys right there.  Are those your keys?” Max asks pointing to Baby’s car keys in the ignition.

“Bethany, I’m asking you if you are going to be a sweet girl.”

“I know.  You don’t have a lot keys.”

“Beth, if you aren’t a big, sweet, helper girl today, you can’t go back tomorrow.”

“Oh, I’m going back tomorrow!”

Max evidently doesn’t make promises she can’t keep.  She’ll never make it as a politician, but she’d make one heck of a lawyer.

Chatterbox

Max was sitting next to me on her Barbie phone as she so often does.  She rarely gets along with her imaginary phone friends and this day was no different.

“You’re just being a jerk!” she fusses into the phone, (not unusual), and she slams it shut to hang it up.

“I’m calling Baby,” Max insists and opens it back up and ‘dials.’  (Baby is what she calls my mother.)

“Hello, Baby?  My friend is being a jerk at me.”  She sits, listening.  And sits.  And sits with the toy phone to her ear for a long while.

Finally, I ask, “What’s the matter?”

She huffs.  “Baby talks too much.”

Whine – O

Bethany rides home in the evenings with Daddy.  One afternoon, they decided to stop by the grocery store and pick up a few things.  After that, they walked over to the wine and spirits store next door.

Max was fascinated with the contents of Red Dog Wine and Spirits.  An endless barrage of questions came gushing out in Max’s nasally too loud voice .  “What’s that, Daddy?  Do you need that?  What are you looking for? Are you buying beeeeer?  Why are we in here, Daddy?”  Everyone in the store was giggling quietly.

“I need to pick something up.” Daddy answers vaguely.

“What is that?” she asks looking at a bottle.

“It’s juice,” Daddy answers trying not to get into a long discussion on adult beverages.

I like juice!  Can I have some of that juice?”  More giggles.

“No, Beth, that’s grown-up juice.”

Finally Daddy and 20 Questions make their way to the front of the shop.

At Red Dog they put the clearance wines in those half-pint drugstore-sized shopping carts at the front of the store.   Just as the two of them get to the front counter, a lady walked in and and paused to peruse the discount wines in the carts.

Max noticed her.  “Daddy!” Max yells.  “That lady has WAY too many beeeers!!!!”  The entire store bursts into laughter.