Tag Archives: children


Max loves animals.  All animals.  A couple of years ago she was very excited to hear that a coworker and her family owned a dairy farm.  She asked a bazillion questions about it that this city slicker mom had few … Continue reading


Kindle Cover……Max’s new book!  Okay, okay, it’s been a while in the making.  A lifetime actually.  The lifetime of one spunky six year old.  You have laughed along with the blog, now come re-live your favorites and a lot more!

Mushrooms In My Head, Dead Lions In The Yard  is the story of Max and all the hilarity and poignancy that comes with her.  Available through the Amazon Kindle Store for your KINDLE, KINDLE FIRE, and through the free downloadable Kindle app for your iPAD/POD/PHONE and DROID devices.  Also, coming soon to the NOOK and NOOK COLOR.

Get yours here for only $3.99!!!

We all know Max is hilarious.  Let’s make her a best-seller too!  Enjoy!



One Liners

It has been requested of me that I make a “Quote-A-Day” calendar of Max’s recent one liners and quotes.  Mind you, these are just candid observations, in her oh-so-Max fashion.  Here’s a few that have inspired the calendar idea:

“I don’t really want a job when I grow up, I just want an opportunity. Like riding a horse out into the West. That’s what I wish to do.”

“I just found a nerd on the floor. The sweet kind, not like ‘You’re a nerd, bro.'”

“Mom, can I not wear flip flops for a while? I’m getting a red line between my thumb toe and my pointer toe.”

Max, pointing at my dinner plate: ” Mom, that’s meat!” Me: “That’s fish. I can eat fish.” Max: “Sorry, Mom, didn’t mean to call your fish names. ”

Max: “Why were you late getting me?” Me: ” I had a meeting. ” Max: “Is a meeting just a bunch of people sitting by papers?”

Max: “Mom, are you 50?” Me: “No, I’m 36.” Max: “Wow, that’s… ” Daddy: “Careful, Beth! ”

Max sassing big brother Cam: “You can call me a doofus all you want, I don’t care! I know my mom calls me Bethany! ”

A la military march song: “I dont know what I’ve been told, I dont know what I’ve been told, I dont know what I’ve been toooooold, but everybody else knows.”

“Usually girls like jazz, but I like ROCK AND ROLL!!!! ”

“I want to be a police officer. My friend Simon does too. He can be on my team, but I’m going to be the boss.”

Max on the fact that even police officers can get arrested: “How can the cops ever get arrested??  I mean, they are the bossiest people EVER!”

Me: “This way, Beth. That’s not our car, but it looks like it. We have a Ford Explorer. That’s a Chevy Tahoe. ” Max : “That’s a weird name for a car. A Shovey Taco. ”

Max:  “You have to dress me cute for our tea party today.”  Me: “This is a very cute outfit.”  Max: “I was thinking more like a teacup.”

Max: “What was that you gave me a drink of? ” Me : ” Passionfruit mango green tea. ” Max : ” Fashion dip Bacos green tea? It was good. “

Little Squirt

As we all know by now, bathing Max is an adventure.  She has now added a pool squirt toy to her arsenal of aquatic mayhem.  She targets wall tiles, the faucet, and occasionally, me.

I had managed to scrub her and her hair clean with the no tears kids wash.  Time to condition.  “Keep your head back, Bethany.  This is grown-up conditioner.  You don’t want it in your eyes,” I advised.

I let her keep squirting bath tiles as I combed it through her tangled locks.  After quite a bit of wrangling a squirmy slippery kid, I managed to get it all rinsed out without incident to her eyes.  Until…

I let her play for a second while I got her towel, at which point she decided to load up her squirt toy one last time.  This time she aimed right for her face and let fly with it.  “OW!  MY EYE!” she yelped grabbing for the towel.

“Honey, I told you that was grown up conditioner.  You shouldn’t have squirted yourself in the eye with that water.”

“I didn’t!” Max protested.  “I squirted it at my face, but then the water went in that crack I keep my eyeball in!”

Beg Your Pardon

It has been the common experience in our house that Max understands what people say in a very unique and usually incorrect way.   Daddy and I have spent countless hours correcting her only to have her insist she heard us her way.  (As a side note, I should add that she learned from the best of them.  Daddy and I are famous for doing this with each other, too.)

This particular car ride was a convoluted mess all the way around.

“I smell Cheez-Its,” declared Max out of left field in the back seat.

“How do you know what Jesus smells like?” asked Daddy.

Cheez-Its!” said Max loudly and with decided emphasis.

Daddy shook his head.  “I don’t think Jesus smells like Cheez-Its.”

photo credit: Wikipedia

Age Is Relative

Big sister Gracie was tickling Max on the couch.  She noticed a freckle by Max’s bellybutton.  “Look at that freckle right there,” she said tickling it.

Max, not missing a beat, said, “Yeah, it used to be little, but it just had a birthday.  It was teeny, now it’s all grown up.  It’s 10,000 years old.”

Behind Door #1

Kindergarten and Max have not played well together so far.  Both have minds of their own and neither are willing to budge.  For some reason Max cannot understand, things must be done on Mrs. Carter’s terms, not hers.  Yet, Max cannot help but put her foot down about some things.

In the middle of class one morning, Max walked up to Mrs. Carter, pointed at the back door that leads outside and informed her, “I am going out that door.”

To which Mrs Carter informed Max, “No, you are not going out that door.  It’s not safe.”

The battle of wits had begun.  “Yes, I am going out that door because you want me to go out that door,” Max contested pointing squarely in the direction she fully intended to go.

Mrs. Carter parried, “I do not want you to go out that door.  Why on earth would I want you to do that?”

Max went for the win.  “You want me to because I have to poot and you do not want to smell it!”

Mrs. Carter was briefly knocked for a loop and struggled for composure, but quickly recovered long enough to point in the direction of the class restroom and ended the verbal joust with: “If that’s the case, you may go through that door!”